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It's not all beautiful on the other side. 

It's not all beautiful on the other side. 

There are days. This is one of them.

I have that life. That life that all the girls want — a white picket fence, five car garage, 5 bedroom 4 bathroom house, 2 kids, 1 dog, hubby — and that’s where it ends.

Because while you gals are peering into my fence, you don’t know that I’m propped up and stabilized by Effexor and Seroquel. Effexor is what I take in the morning. Seroquel is what knocks me out at night. Because otherwise, I would never go to sleep. I would never get up. I would be catatonic, stuck in bed all day.

Which is probably not recommended when you have a job and kids to tend to.

I have had postpartum depression for the past three years. Since my son was born. Having kids really fu*ks with your hormones.

Did I tell you that I have that dream life?

Stats of the day:

1,998 toddler fits adverted
14 complete meltdowns from the toddler
1 application for project management submitted
1 blog post attempted
4 bathrooms cleaned
living room, dining room, entire house vaccuumed
2 mg of Ativan consumed

Well someone has to do the cleaning on the house.

This is just Saturday. I don’t know how stay-at-home moms do it.

I can’t wait until Monday.

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Make a decision

"Life begins at the edges of your comfort zone." 
Neale Donald Walsch

The biggest problem for me is fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing control of the situation. Fear of losing control of what others think of me, which I never really had or have any control to begin with. Fear of what will happen next. Fear of what happened yesterday affecting me negatively today. 

But a lot of it boils down to fear, and being afraid of exercising the voice that I already have. Because there are always consequences. These consequences--they are what they are. I can brand them as good or bad or neutral, but in essence, the consequences are what they are. 

You live with the consequences of what you say, of your actions. I think that taking full responsibility for that, and being open to feedback is critical. Sometimes though, the feedback lets you know about your network in general, and that there are people sitting at your table that shouldn't necessarily be there. 

It's a harsh reality. 

There are moments in your lives when your setting arc, character arc, and perhaps even world arc sync up with these other folks, enough to call them friends. You find commonalities. You support each other. 

But then it is time. It hurts. It is time to leave the table because we don't sync up enough anymore. 

That is what people call "life." 

It is incredibly uncomfortable to get up, and say, "I need to go," or "You are exiting my life because we are not in alignment anymore, and I don't see us being in alignment for the near future. This conflict is causing too much tension in my life, and I am not willing to fight anymore." 

But I think that you need to ask yourself this question in your life, particularly if you're getting irritable or snappy or just downright unpleasant to be around. Perhaps you are trying to tell yourself something. 

Is it time to get up from someone else's table? 

Or are you going to sit and do the good fight? 

Are you going to say what's really on your mind?

Make your decision. 

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So there it is. Kenai.

I am tired today. I missed a flight. I caught a flight. I focus on the positive. I miss being out in the field, the fast jokes and jabs at my character that they dish out faster than Ali. I smile along but I am tougher this time, thicker skin, thick enough that I can laugh at the situation of being fortunate enough to visit the field.